Bittersweet

Today is a bittersweet day...  Today is the 14th birthday of a little girl I carried in my womb and gave birth to, in reality Wednesday is the hard day, the day I placed her in some one else's arms and left her.  In many ways I still think of that day and of all the ways I am proud to have done that, but there are some days that I look at my son and think to myself "you have a sister that you don't even know" how do I tell him and when do I tell him? I need to pick a time, a moment when the horrible details of the story can teach him a valuable lesson, there has to be a lesson in all that pain. I feel like the pain and suffering are wasted if there is no lesson, no moral to the story.  "Look kids, your mom wasn't a hussy or a slut, in reality she was with one person and he broke her heart..." I am still soooo mad at him. He tricked me, I had been so careful and he tricked me into losing my virginity saying he loved me and we would be together forever. Why was I stupid enough to fall for it? And I know he does NOT want to meet her, how do I tell her that?

Her adopted dad has told me that she wants to meet me when she turns 18.  That's 4 years from now and I am ashamed.  I feel like she will be disappointed in who I am, because I am disappointed that in 14yrs I haven't done what I wanted to do or become the person I wanted to be when we meet again.  The dreams I said I would be able to accomplish because of this second chance, I still haven't touched them. Listen to me, I sound so selfish...  The decision I made 14yrs ago was solely made for her and her alone.

I love her and miss her and sometimes the full weight of that falls on me like a ton of bricks. 

Happy Birthday Lauren, you are everything I hoped you would be!  A beautiful, happy young woman, reaching her full potential.  What more could a mom ask for?  Even if I am just watching from a distance....