Exerpt from "Birches" by Robert Frost

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth for awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear me no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
It would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

Guilt and Motherhood

Let me get this straight....  Because you abandoned your children and went on a meth binge.... because I ended up having to raise them for the first 6-7 years of their lives..... because they think of me as a mom and not your typical "stepmom"..... I am wrong.  You blame everyone else for the situation you find yourself in. It was some one else's fault the judge thought your children were better off with their dad, the attorney appointed to act specifically as a buffer and in the best interest of the kids thought they were better off with their dad... But it's because they were ripped from your arms for no reason at all that you went off the deep end. You refuse to admit that you did anything wrong to lead up to your husband leaving and taking the kids with him.  I mean after all judges DO tend to side with biological moms unless there is compelling evidence against them.

So we are all supposed to act like that part of our lives never happened. And all the damage that was done by you to those kids means nothing. And the bond that I created with those kids in having raised them is supposed to just go away like it never happened. Like I was just babysitting all those years and now you are home so here are your kids back... FUCK YOU!!!!!!

I will not stop saying they are mine. I will not stop bragging about being their mom.  I will not stop. The bed you made you lay in and consequences are real and lasting and some can't just be erased or forgotten. I take care of them every day, send them to school, do most of the work with them.  It is because of MY hard work that they are who they are and NO I am not a perfect mom. I am far from being a great role model, but I am the one who was here to fill in for your absence and just because you feel guilty and can't bear the thought of them loving me and looking up to me doesn't mean I have to go out of my way to ease your conscience.

Shock

So Saturday night I had my first patient... My dad...  He tripped and crushed his kneecap and the severe pain caused him to go into shock.  Needless to say if we had not called the paramedics for help he would have died.  I am really fucked up about this....

Point blank...  I have been the BIGGEST bitch to my dad...  I have let his alcoholic condition be an excuse to not try very hard to help him quit.  I had verbalized my blase attitude about his impending death via Hep C. I had already prepared myself (so I thought) for his dying.  I was wrong and in being wrong I learned a valuable lesson.  No matter how selfish I perceive him to be, no matter how many times he pisses me off because he drank WAY too much, no matter how much it hurts that he won't quit drinking and that because of alcohol he hasn't been an active participant in my life, NO MATTER WHAT... he is my dad and I love him.  And I don't want him to die...

Bittersweet

Today is a bittersweet day...  Today is the 14th birthday of a little girl I carried in my womb and gave birth to, in reality Wednesday is the hard day, the day I placed her in some one else's arms and left her.  In many ways I still think of that day and of all the ways I am proud to have done that, but there are some days that I look at my son and think to myself "you have a sister that you don't even know" how do I tell him and when do I tell him? I need to pick a time, a moment when the horrible details of the story can teach him a valuable lesson, there has to be a lesson in all that pain. I feel like the pain and suffering are wasted if there is no lesson, no moral to the story.  "Look kids, your mom wasn't a hussy or a slut, in reality she was with one person and he broke her heart..." I am still soooo mad at him. He tricked me, I had been so careful and he tricked me into losing my virginity saying he loved me and we would be together forever. Why was I stupid enough to fall for it? And I know he does NOT want to meet her, how do I tell her that?

Her adopted dad has told me that she wants to meet me when she turns 18.  That's 4 years from now and I am ashamed.  I feel like she will be disappointed in who I am, because I am disappointed that in 14yrs I haven't done what I wanted to do or become the person I wanted to be when we meet again.  The dreams I said I would be able to accomplish because of this second chance, I still haven't touched them. Listen to me, I sound so selfish...  The decision I made 14yrs ago was solely made for her and her alone.

I love her and miss her and sometimes the full weight of that falls on me like a ton of bricks. 

Happy Birthday Lauren, you are everything I hoped you would be!  A beautiful, happy young woman, reaching her full potential.  What more could a mom ask for?  Even if I am just watching from a distance....

Not Sure What's Happening...

A Good While Later

Nothing new has happened... In other words, things are the same as they were when one of us last blogged.  It had been so long that I actually forgot the password.  :::note to self: remind sister of new password::: 

I guess I can't say nothing has happened.  In the last month my sister and I have found new ways to bond. I taught her to knit and we are both learning to play the ukulele (well I am quasi learning, she is kicking ass at it!).

It's a waiting game with dad, he is the same as ever although he is opening up his heart and mind to Jesus a little more as time goes on. Ultimately that will be his saving grace whether in heaven or on earth. What I mean to say is, my father may no longer be an alcoholic but rather a Christian with a drinking problem, and if he is not saved on earth with physical healing, then Jesus has chosen to save him in His kingdom. I choose the former because it would be a blessing to see my father realize his potential, he is a very intelligent and creative man. 

God has blessed me so much with the relationships between my mom, sister and I.  Together we can make it through anything.

   Hello internet world, I am sister of the blog creator, and I am very tired.  Is it my job or my responsibility to take on the guilt worry and stress of pushing and pulling this stubborn donkey into sobriety?  Of course not. Although when I don't try the guilt is crushing.  I have dreams of screaming in his face all the harsh truth that he desperately needs to hear but I am too much of a coward to actually say,  "You're killing yourself you @#$&, and I will be the one to suffer for it so quit being so @#$% SELFISH and sober up already!!" of course in my dream he does exactly what I fear he will do in waking life, he screams at me even slaps me and tells me he never wants to speak to me again. 
    Apathy can creep in, very slowly but it happens.  Then, the war is lost and we all stood idly by and let someone we love deeply slip away.  How to keep from letting it set in?  Well, him getting totally shitty and pissing everyone off is a good reminder, however counterproductive.  The only solution is to pray, pray hard, keep praying and pray lots more.  I have no other answers.  Oh yeah, rehab.  But as they say, you can lead a horse to water etc. etc.... More like, you can offer an addict help but if they are hell bent on self destruction and death wtf can you do about it?  Absolutely nothing.  Just sit back and watch.